If only I could turn back time.
We of the Gerudo are always looking for strong, capable husbands. I don’t mean to say when I first saw you I was already envisioning marriage: if I said that it wouldn’t be true and we Gerudo don’t like to lie. Another way I differ from that other, more troublesome thief. Have you defeated him already? If you haven’t, I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of time.
I bet those other girls told you the first time they locked eyes with your cool blue gaze, they were enraptured. Love isn’t like that. It’s a slow, growing fire that starts from a single ember. Wildfires spring up every now and then, but they never last. They burn out quick and the slow heat of real love remains. How do I know? Oh, I’d never tell.
You were cute back then, seven years ago. A little boy determined to knock down all the obstacles in his path. I could see the spark in your eyes. Okay, it was a little alluring. I wouldn’t make a promise like that to just any young boy. Not that we Gerudo see many.
Don’t hate me for being a dirty girl, Link. All women are, or they’re lying. We talk in the barracks and we share stories… and if I have any of my own, I’ll never tell. A woman’s secrets are her power!
I wonder if anyone else has shown you what it’s like to be with a woman. Back then I wouldn’t have broken my promise, but I wouldn’t have shown you everything, either. I’d have had to keep a little bit for myself just to keep you coming back, of course1 But back in that dusty old building, I bet I could have taught you a few things. You would have come out a much better kisser, and maybe I would have let my hands wander just a bit. Maybe I would have let yours.
But the world is cruel. I was captured, tortured, molded into a plaything for those two damnable witches. Can you imagine the fury I felt? A warrior like me, strong and independent, laid low and crushed underfoot. For the first time in my life I felt helpless. My servitude consumed me.
And then you came. You set me free, you revealed my purpose, and you picked me up from where I fell. I even have you to thank for killing my captors, and you know what? I don’t for a second regret I couldn’t do it myself.
We’re warriors, Link, but it’s not often we Gerudo get to feel like women. There, among the empty and haunted ruins of my people, in my discarded armor… for the first time I was overjoyed to be protected. By a man! Can you imagine? It was like all of the dreams I’d been scared to have were coming true.
I told you we talk in the barracks. At night the youngest of us ask about men and how to control them with our bodies. The eldest give their advice and share their most exciting experiences. I bet listening in on us would turn even the Hero of Time’s hair white! But all of us, old and young, sneer at the warriors who’ve been snared by men and now live far away, acting like wives. Acting like mothers, not warriors. We laugh at them. I laughed at them.
If you chose me, Link, I’d follow up on that promise, plus interest. For weeks we wouldn’t leave the bed and I’d show you everything. I’d give you everything, and take just as much. I know a night with you would be a battle, a very pleasurable one. I think I’d end up on top, but feel free to prove me wrong.
We’d have a dozen children and make love every day. That’s a promise! If we missed one we’d have to go three times the day after, just to make it fair. I hope you don’t mind a dozen daughters running around underfoot. I’m sure you’d be an excellent father, kind and strong and fair. You’d teach them to be warriors like Hyrule has never seen. Although, perhaps the Hero of Time’s seed is especially potent. Maybe even enough to break our race’s curse. I wouldn’t mind a dozen boys, or a half-dozen of each, or even just one child…
Forgive me if I’m not the demure, coy princess you want. I’m no fresh bud anymore and I can feel my time inching onwards. You’re a man now, and I’m too old to mince my words. Tell me and I’ll say whatever you like, whenever you like, inside and out of the bedroom.
We talk about you in the barracks. You’re a hero, strong and brave, one of the few men to ever see inside our home. Every girl that knows your name is harboring a crush on you, and I bet princess Zelda is no exception. I’ve never told them we met. What would I say? That I let you slip through my fingers?
They don’t know what love is: they’re too young. All of them. But I have loved a man for seven years. Choose me and I’ll tell you who it is.
I’ll tell you anything. Anything. Anything.